Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Solitude or Isolation

What i sought after for the longest time. Any tiny crevice that could conceal me within would do, a place that would keep me from the tumult outside.
But isolation isnt what i asked for. Abandonment in a solitary confinement cell put us as a rental room within a paying guest house. No windows can you keep open without the benefit of prying eyes of neighbors boring in through the curtains. There is no way out except for the maindoor. No open space, terrace or balcony, no open air to breathe in, no open space to pace about in, and no person to keep company. One cannot even step out from that maindoor, for it opens right out onto the road, where there is a constant flow of vehicles and people.
Torture came in the form of isolation. I can understand better now, what people went through in a solitary confinement cell during times of imprisionment. Within a dark morbid space of about 4,4 feet in size, one would be thrown in for days, weeks or months, it would wrench the life out of a being, slowly, sanity taking leave of the blotched mind, soul departing slowly from their ill striken bodies.
Nerve wrecking is probably an understatement. One can do nothing but resign themselves to the depressing enclosure of the four dismal walls that surround you. I have nowhere to go but here.
Being within a city thats bustling with life, sounds, colors, traffic noises, smoke, chatter clatter, motion, breathe, excessive life, one can fall prey to isolation. My fears of mis fortunate events taking place in isolation begin to materialize into daunting thoughts.
If i walk out, another environment that i detest throws itself at my face. Population.
So i sit, confined to this despondent space. A six by eight foot room encloses, stifles your being. Stale air circulates within. A monotony of sorts reigns over, you see nothing new, you expect nothing new. Things lie about the place the way they always do, as though the place had been abandoned years ago. See no sights, hear no sounds that lie within the realm of normalcy. No human presence apart from your own. No breathing apart from your own. You begin to hate your own smell, your own perfume absorbed into every crevice of the space.
Your thoughts begin taking over. The time when the human mind loses control and takes on a life of its own. Fed by its own non existent sources, your senses go awry and begin seeing or hearing things that arnt there.
You get absorbed into redundancy, incapable of mustering any strength or will to get up and do something to keep your mind occupied. It drifts.
I crave human presence, ones i recognize ofcourse. I crave to hear a familiar voice, a familiar face to see, soothing as it speaks to me. I crave for some normal sights, movements, not those influenced by my hyperactive and overworked mind.
Hours pass by dreadfully slow. Insanity begins its reign. You compulsively keep glancing at inanimate objects, like your phone, some form of communication at least is comforting. None. You begin to talk to yourself.
I can hardly seem to endure this, a month of this never ending self inflicted torture gone by. And five more remain. I know the significance of human presence even better now.
To some these are insignificant issues in life. to me, its making the greatest impact so far. Solitude in this form is not what i seek, Confinement within four walls isnt what i asked for. Disregard for my presence here, furthermore, isnt what i appreciate.
Its 11:30 at night.
Where can i go now?

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